Lenka (Done)

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Lenka (Done)

Post by Enfield on Sun Sep 07, 2014 8:59 am



Lenka (Because last names are for people with creativity)




Nickname(s): [None]

Age: 19

Race: Special Human. The good kind.

Gender: Male

Organization: Independent

Organization Rank: Mercenary [None]



Character's Appearance





Lenka stands 5' 1" weighs 110 pounds, leaving him at, at first glance, thin and lanky appearance. However, he does maintain a good amount of muscle to be able to complete the work he does. He possesses red eyes, and short platinum blond hair, though it's a slight greenish when he swims in a chlorine pool, or an ashey grey if he wears his helmet for a while, due to the cleaner he uses upon the inside, a somewhat stubby nose, and all complimented by relatively pale skin. He's shaved off his stubble and mustache. Stuff like that gets itchy.

As clothing, he wears a black version of the 1937 pattern British battledress (BD) uniform, the one with long sleeves, complete with Toe-Capped black Ammunition Boots, matching trousers, a Mk II British helmet with a black hessian (burlap) cover, black 1908 Pattern Webbing, a grey Haversack, and black finger-less gloves. He wears non-prescription glasses (Similar to those you would use at a shooting range, The squarish angular ones that go slightly around the edge of your eyes. His are tinted red.)

However, when not in battledress, he wears a multitude of jeans, his shirts either short or long sleeved, with a combination of black/white stripes and angles in one form or another. The same rule applies if he wears a jacket.



Personality Information




This young man prefers to keep himself polite at times, though most of the time he keeps a professional attitude, having a relatively deep voice for his size, learning the art of utilizing a commanding tone and getting orders across straight, and to the point from his father. He understands the times when he possesses authority, and those times when he does not. He's not quite as strict as to keep to the same routine as his father, preferring to branch out more into... questionable areas of employment. However, he does garner more income.

He's focused, calm, and likes to think about things rationally. He has no problem dealing with combat, though also has a taste for the finer things in life, such as cats, a nice chat with the employer, some booty, or indulging in some nice breadsticks at Olive Garden. He's a fairly social person and can easily pass the time chatting with others.



Equipment Information




M1911: A black, government issue version, firing from a 7-round magazine, of which he carries six total. Three in a pouch, two in the holster for easy access, and one in the gun. .45 ACP.

Kel-Tec RFB: A rifle firing 7.62×51mm NATO ammunition, from a 20 round magazine, of which he carries six total. One in the weapon, and the other five in ammunition pouches. Lenka posesses the Target version of this weapon, which has a 32" barrel, and is 40" overall. He has a 3-12x50 variable zoom optic on the top rail of his weapon, and a red dot at a 45 degree angle to it, on the left side, allowing for easy close-range aiming.

Grenades: Lenka carries six No. 36M grenades, carrying twice the charge of modern hand grenades such as the M67. Dat effectiveness.



Character Abilities




Lenka, being a mercenary with a fairly good (for his age group in the company) amount of training, is quite proficient in the use of his rifle, sidearm, and grenades. He can also cook on his own, and drive in either an offroad environment, or normally on the streets like a decent person. Having done a few jobs requiring it, he can talk his way out of some situations, though it's not heavily relied upon. Being relatively small, he's also trained himself to be more nimble, quite fast even for someone of his size, able to quickly duck, roll, jump, and perform parkour. He also abuses his somewhat feminine form, trying either to lure enemies into a false sense of security, and surprise them later, or maybe troll a friend or employer. Heh.

The mercenary was born with a mutation in the Thalamus due to an insertion during DNA replication at his birth. He has a harder time differentiating between hallucinations and reality as a result. The influence of his imagination, after he reatched relative maturity, was able to be extended from himself to act upon reality for short periods of time. However, overuse of the ability gives rise to migrains, and after repeated overuse, could damage his brain due to the stress, as it'd not designed for such a thing. Each time he manipulates an ability, he becomes somewhat more exhausted, depending on how close that ability came to maximum capacity, the field being more tiring of the two.

Ability:
The ability ranks up with SP, and is divided into two categories:

Vector manipulation: Redirection of an object moving at him, if the weight is 75 pounds or less, or is stationary, at 150 pounds, in both cases at a maximum speed of 40MP/H, and a maximum distance of fifty meters.

Repulsion Feild: Able to stop light objects, those weighing fifty pounds or less, or a majority of objects under 3" diameter, and 10" length. (Not bullets) The limit is ten objects, and he does not need to immediately be aware of them for them to halt, however, as they touch the field and stop, he becomes aware of and must partially concentrate on their presence to keep them stationary. The diameter is one and a half meters, any person will be pushed away if they come in contact with the bubble unless they apply more than fifty pounds of force. The field lasts three posts, and has a five post cooldown. Each additional object requires more of his concentration. As such, when an object stops on the edge of the field, it is given a light nudge in the opposite direction, usually landing a nice ten meters away, so he no longer has to worry about it. An eleventh object would merely pass through the field, as he'd be too preoccupied with managing the ten objects to really do anything else, including walking.


At 3 SP, they rank up.
Vector Manipulation: Weight increases to 100/175 pounds, speed to 65MP/H, and a maximum distance of sixty meters.

Repulsion Field: Bubble increases to two meters, Weight limit increases to seventy five pounds, and twelve objects. He can now slightly repel objects within the bubble, the force increasing as they travel inward, reaching 100 pounds of force able to be negated at a one foot range. The object must be sufficiently slow for him to maintain eye contact with it, and limited to one object.

Additional 5 SP, rank up.
Vector Manipulation: Weight increase: 175/250 pounds, speed: 85MP/H, distance: eighty meters.

Repulsion Feild: Bubble: Two meters. Weight: 100 pounds, fifteen objects, and bullets are now included. Repulsion force limit is 150 pounds, at one foot. Same rules apply.



Character Biography



Lenka was born in Copperfield, a small town in the deserts of Arizona, quite close to the Mexican border, a mutation in his DNA due to an error during the film of life's replication at his birth, his body developing in accordance with its booklet of nucleic acids. His father owned and was an operative of his very own PMC, which was the family business for those who desired to join in. (Mostly the males, though a very few select females.) As with any good, american dad, Lenka was taught at a young age the importance of firearms, and other weapons, in the defense of freedom. By that, he was taught how to shoot his daddy's .22, then, as he became older, he proceeded to be told and understand more of the family business. Having been home-schooled, and not having a fair deal of contact with children outside his extended family, he, like most children, saw only the glory of war. As time went by, he became aware of the darker sides, however, by this point, how cool is it to be quite fit, and be able to go into other countries, complete assassinations, protect drug shipments, the like? Dayum, that's like the embodiment of freedom!

At the age of eightteen, his father finally approving of his ability to look after himself, and be mindful of those he worked with, ensuring the saftey of the team, he was invited along to a simple escort mission, which happened to go off markedly well, aside from a small problem, in the form of two wannabe gangsters, one with a knife, the other with a gun. The latter of the two items was a capgun, the former, a small, 2" pocketknife. You see, this was so incredibly pathetic, only the sixteen year old had to even do anything, or rather, could do anything, other than laugh. The young man then proceeded to bestow divine asskicking upon the two in the form of a rifle stock, a piece of a device which had been loaned to Lenka from the organization, seeing as he wasn't quite old enough to actually own a weapon yet.

Now, one year later, he's become quite a bit more experienced, having now dealt with his share of actual kills, real combat, and enemies who don't just linger around, waiting for their doom to drop from the sky like a four hundred pound pallet of whoopass onto a steel object. He now completes contracts on his own, quite liking a medium-long range sniping format, however finding himself effective in close quarters due to his small size and nimbleness.

Sitting bored in his apartment, one fine afternoon, he was extremely distraught. His internet was out, and there was nothing to do. His head laying on his desk, he could no longer bear this incredible boredom, desiring to see something break. With a slight sigh, he flicked at his water glass. Lo and behold, it arced across the room and shattered against the wall, due to his want to see something break, thoughts having drifted to throwing it, however, he didn't have to go quite that far. Confused, he attempted this several times with a foam block, as not to break anything else in the room for real, eventually figuring out if he wanted an object to go flying in a specific direction, he could do such a thing through contact. However, when he went to try moving his refrigerator with a poke, he found it did not move, only groaned slightly. So he made abstract guesses about the limits, fine-tuning them over time. Eventually, this was tried with his grenades, (In the deserts far from those who could watch, as this is not normal, he was careful to be sure none would observe) which he found he could direct reasonably accurately a fairly good distance. In light of that, he now, still lies bored in his apartment, looking for a new contract.

Off, to greater adventures, and more contracts!




Last edited by Veronica Corvis on Tue Sep 16, 2014 2:21 pm; edited 12 times in total (Reason for editing : IT'S A TRAP!)
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Re: Lenka (Done)

Post by Zulu on Mon Sep 08, 2014 6:01 pm

Alright, Mr. Lenka (Because last names are for people with creativity), let us get over your sheet, shall we now? Play time kiddy buy read out ahoy.

Appearance and personality are short, but it has no obvious problems as far as I can see, aside from your PENCHANT FOR EFFEMINATE CHARA-- preferences for beef jerky.

And NOW gets to the good part. History-Ability. Ding ding ding.

How did Lenka actually get approved for PMC missions when he was sixteen years old and own guns? Typically he is considered a minor, and not in a capacity to own guns, and PMCs are a security corporation and a culture in themselves that require adolescents rather than minors to bear arms, which is illegal in USA.

So... how come his brain mutated and why is he suddenly "telekinetic"? Answers answers answers is the slice of life beckoned that I beseech to bestow. Would be nice to know how he attained such a sudden mutation that your history makes no elaboration of, in only the vaguest of circumstances. The best guideline to follow is, why are you special enough to get this ability, and nobody else? What fluke, what twist of fate, actually caused this sudden mutation that nobody else has in the world? Food for thought.

As for abilities, try to put more limitation on repulsion fields besides a three post sustaining and cooldown, which I'd leave to you and your creativity to put in. It is fair to assume that if he had ten objects effected, his concentration would dwindle, and they'd be all static to a degree?

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Re: Lenka (Done)

Post by Veronica Corvis on Tue Sep 09, 2014 7:58 pm

Right, at the request of a fellow staffer, I'm going to hop in and give a technical review of your abilities and try to expand on a few ways for them to be explained in a more realistic way, with hopes of possibly increasing the chances of it being approved.

So, give me a moment to put on my trusty lab coat, dig out Stein's mindset, and then we'll get started.


"Biology 101!"

Mutations are caused by external or endogenous factors. These are commonly caused by errors during DNA replication which lead to genetic changes, as can toxic by-products of cellular metabolism. Really, there are countless incitements that can cause genetic mutation. Theoretically, you want an endogenous factor, particularly an insertion mutation, where genetic material is put into another region of DNA to act as a catalyst for the alteration within the Thalamus (which isn't a cortex, by the way, but is situated between the Cerebral cortex and the mid-brain). You can drop the mention of the Neocortex, as that simply deals with sight and hearing in mammals and wouldn't assist in any way with your telekinetic ability.

Now that the DNA has become so altered as to cause the desired mutation, which is effecting the portion of the brain that primarily dictates imagination, it can theoretically birth the desired abilities you have listed in an X-men kinda way, resulting in your telekinesis. Granted, such things would be tiresome and would require drawbacks due to the stress the brain would be put under, even though it would be a natural mutation, as you are the first person in your family to possess such an ability and have not had constant generations to bypass such exhaustive limits.

These drawbacks would likely be divergent focus, as Zulu above suggested, along with encephalon degradation if the ability has been overused, as constant, repeated use of such an ability would likely cause harm to the brain tissue itself due to the stress, and any other assorted afflictions that could spawn within the head of an individual, such as mass headaches and mental exhaustion.

Now, a better way to explain the actual abilities, instead of just saying "he imagines such and such happening", such in the case of the repulsion field, you could say his the mutation allows him to exert his mental energy outside of his body for brief periods of time to achieve the desired effects, simply to avoid confusion about what his abilities do.
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Re: Lenka (Done)

Post by Father Anthony Diem on Wed Sep 10, 2014 12:54 am

I was commanded by a staffer as well to take a look at this, but it seems I was too slow on the draw so I'll let you soak in what's already been said, and if you can make the appropriate changes to appease the aforementioned staff then I'd be glad to give your a character a good read through and throw in my two cents, which may consist of an approval, disapproval, or commentary.

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Re: Lenka (Done)

Post by Enfield on Wed Sep 10, 2014 9:48 am

I'll be getting right on the edits as soon as I can figure out what happened to the edit button. For some reason it keeps going and disappearing.
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Re: Lenka (Done)

Post by Father Anthony Diem on Wed Sep 10, 2014 10:47 am

You can always copy and paste your work on to a word dock, then when you find you have the ability to edit later in the future you could paste your changes back on to your sheet right away.

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Re: Lenka (Done)

Post by Enfield on Wed Sep 10, 2014 12:57 pm

I'll do that. Soon as I get home from class I'll have a computer available.
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Re: Lenka (Done)

Post by John Smith on Mon Sep 15, 2014 11:22 pm

Changes made?

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Re: Lenka (Done)

Post by Enfield on Tue Sep 16, 2014 10:00 am

Not yet, I'm sorting them out. Changes will be posted in a new post since clicking Quote is about all I can do. Edit it still not showing up. >-<
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Re: Lenka (Done)

Post by John Smith on Tue Sep 16, 2014 10:26 am

Send the full sheet to one of us and we'll edit it.

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Re: Lenka (Done)

Post by Veronica Corvis on Tue Sep 16, 2014 2:21 pm

I've posted the edited sheet for him~.
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Re: Lenka (Done)

Post by John Smith on Tue Sep 16, 2014 6:30 pm

Enfield wrote:
Nickname(s): [None]

Age: 19

Race: Special Human. The good kind.

Gender: Male

Organization: Independent

Organization Rank: Mercenary [None]

Nothing here except for a potentially concerning age.

Shotaro Complex is live wrote:
Lenka stands 5' 1" weighs 110 pounds, leaving him at, at first glance, thin and lanky appearance.

No fucking shit? He's the size of a 12 year old.

Concerned parents wrote:However, he does maintain a good amount of muscle to be able to complete the work he does. He possesses red eyes, and short platinum blond hair, though it's a slight greenish when he swims in a chlorine pool, or an ashey grey if he wears his helmet for a while, due to the cleaner he uses upon the inside, a somewhat stubby nose, and all complimented by relatively pale skin. He's shaved off his stubble and mustache. Stuff like that gets itchy.

Is his special power that he's a vampire?

I bet he's a vampire wrote:As clothing, he wears a black version of the 1937 pattern British battledress (BD) uniform, the one with long sleeves, complete with Toe-Capped black Ammunition Boots, matching trousers, a Mk II British helmet with a black hessian (burlap) cover, black 1908 Pattern Webbing, a grey Haversack, and black finger-less gloves. He wears non-prescription glasses (Similar to those you would use at a shooting range, The squarish angular ones that go slightly around the edge of your eyes. His are tinted red.)

However, when not in battledress, he wears a multitude of jeans, his shirts either short or long sleeved, with a combination of black/white stripes and angles in one form or another. The same rule applies if he wears a jacket.

Sounds like vampire clothes.

Vampire wrote:This young man prefers to keep himself polite at times,

And at other times, he's a porcupine.

Continue wrote:though most of the time he keeps a professional attitude, having a relatively deep voice for his size, learning the art of utilizing a commanding tone and getting orders across straight, and to the point from his father. He understands the times when he possesses authority, and those times when he does not. He's not quite as strict as to keep to the same routine as his father, preferring to branch out more into... questionable areas of employment. However, he does garner more income.

Is this your way of telling us he's a prostitute? Because I think that's officially become too illegal for the site, considering he's basically a kid.

Vampire Hookers from Hell Part 2: The Reckoning - Can't Keep a Good Whore Down: The Movie wrote:He's focused, calm, and likes to think about things rationally. He has no problem dealing with combat, though also has a taste for the finer things in life, such as cats, a nice chat with the employer, some booty, or indulging in some nice breadsticks at Olive Garden. He's a fairly social person and can easily pass the time chatting with others.

If he thinks Olive Garden is "fine", he's one of those low class hoes that hangs out behind the 7/11 and does meth with truckers.

This is also not an acceptable personality length. You should know this by now.

Ain't got no class wrote:M1911: A black, government issue version, firing from a 7-round magazine, of which he carries six total. Three in a pouch, two in the holster for easy access, and one in the gun. .45 ACP.

Kel-Tec RFB: A rifle firing 7.62×51mm NATO ammunition, from a 20 round magazine, of which he carries six total. One in the weapon, and the other five in ammunition pouches. Lenka posesses the Target version of this weapon, which has a 32" barrel, and is 40" overall. He has a 3-12x50 variable zoom optic on the top rail of his weapon, and a red dot at a 45 degree angle to it, on the left side, allowing for easy close-range aiming.

Grenades: Lenka carries six No. 36M grenades, carrying twice the charge of modern hand grenades such as the M67. Dat effectiveness.

I guess he's not a 90's character.

Blood Fang wrote:Lenka, being a mercenary with a fairly good (for his age group in the company) amount of training, is quite proficient in the use of his rifle, sidearm, and grenades. He can also cook on his own, and drive in either an offroad environment, or normally on the streets like a decent person. Having done a few jobs requiring it, he can talk his way out of some situations, though it's not heavily relied upon. Being relatively small, he's also trained himself to be more nimble, quite fast even for someone of his size, able to quickly duck, roll, jump, and perform parkour. He also abuses his somewhat feminine form, trying either to lure enemies into a false sense of security, and surprise them later, or maybe troll a friend or employer. Heh.

So I might not have called the vampire thing, but I totally did it on the prostitute part. I don't know if I should be annoyed or amazed by the Frank Miller character I have before me. Except Frank Miller would never make a male prostitute. Or gay character who isn't evil. A bunch of muscular, naked, oiled-up men in capes thrusting their long, pointed weapons into the bodies of other men, though - that's great storytelling.

Repressed homosexuality wrote:The mercenary was born with a mutation in the Thalamus due to an insertion during DNA replication at his birth. He has a harder time differentiating between hallucinations and reality as a result. The influence of his imagination, after he reatched relative maturity, was able to be extended from himself to act upon reality for short periods of time. However, overuse of the ability gives rise to migrains, and after repeated overuse, could damage his brain due to the stress, as it'd not designed for such a thing. Each time he manipulates an ability, he becomes somewhat more exhausted, depending on how close that ability came to maximum capacity, the field being more tiring of the two.

Ability:
The ability ranks up with SP, and is divided into two categories:

Vector manipulation: Redirection of an object moving at him, if the weight is 75 pounds or less, or is stationary, at 150 pounds, in both cases at a maximum speed of 40MP/H, and a maximum distance of fifty meters.

Repulsion Feild: Able to stop light objects, those weighing fifty pounds or less, or a majority of objects under 3" diameter, and 10" length. (Not bullets) The limit is ten objects, and he does not need to immediately be aware of them for them to halt, however, as they touch the field and stop, he becomes aware of and must partially concentrate on their presence to keep them stationary. The diameter is one and a half meters, any person will be pushed away if they come in contact with the bubble unless they apply more than fifty pounds of force. The field lasts three posts, and has a five post cooldown. Each additional object requires more of his concentration. As such, when an object stops on the edge of the field, it is given a light nudge in the opposite direction, usually landing a nice ten meters away, so he no longer has to worry about it. An eleventh object would merely pass through the field, as he'd be too preoccupied with managing the ten objects to really do anything else, including walking.


At 3 SP, they rank up.
Vector Manipulation: Weight increases to 100/175 pounds, speed to 65MP/H, and a maximum distance of sixty meters.

Repulsion Field: Bubble increases to two meters, Weight limit increases to seventy five pounds, and twelve objects. He can now slightly repel objects within the bubble,  the force increasing as they travel inward, reaching 100 pounds of force able to be negated at a one foot range. The object must be sufficiently slow for him to maintain eye contact with it, and limited to one object.

Additional 5 SP, rank up.
Vector Manipulation: Weight increase: 175/250 pounds, speed: 85MP/H, distance: eighty meters.

Repulsion Feild: Bubble: Two meters. Weight: 100 pounds, fifteen objects, and bullets are now included. Repulsion force limit is 150 pounds, at one foot. Same rules apply.

Take a seat, kids. I've got some explaining to do.

These powers can't work. Any form of telekinesis, in fact, can't work. It's not that I hate psychic powers. It's that they aren't fair in a two player game. While I'm pleasantly surprised to find that the first level isn't too broken, everything up from there most certainly is. When you can deflect attacks with your mind without even being aware of them (as you've put there), it makes you invulnerable to everything but bullets, which are easy enough to dodge on a forum game. You can redirect things like grenades or arrows or what have you with minimal effort and make it super annoying and unfair to fight you.

I'm not even sure why you feel the need to have this power, or any power. You're a gun-toting male prostitute. What part of that is boring? This adds nothing to an already big enough idea other than special powers for the sake of special powers.

We could also use more abilities in general. You seem woefully unprepared to be a mercenary.

The Unlimited wrote:Lenka was born in Copperfield, a small town in the deserts of Arizona, quite close to the Mexican border, a mutation in his DNA due to an error during the film of life's replication at his birth, his body developing in accordance with its booklet of nucleic acids.

Did Zulu write this for you when he was drunk and asleep? I have no idea what you just said other than mutations and Arizona.

Sand wrote:His father owned and was an operative of his very own PMC, which was the family business for those who desired to join in. (Mostly the males, though a very few select females.) As with any good, american dad, Lenka was taught at a young age the importance of firearms, and other weapons, in the defense of freedom. By that, he was taught how to shoot his daddy's .22, then, as he became older, he proceeded to be told and understand more of the family business. Having been home-schooled, and not having a fair deal of contact with children outside his extended family, he, like most children, saw only the glory of war. As time went by, he became aware of the darker sides, however, by this point, how cool is it to be quite fit, and be able to go into other countries, complete assassinations, protect drug shipments, the like? Dayum, that's like the embodiment of freedom!



I don't know even know what's going on anymore. What is a timeline? Am I bleeding? Where did those four llamas come from? I think I'm dying.

STAP wrote:At the age of eightteen, his father finally approving of his ability to look after himself, and be mindful of those he worked with, ensuring the saftey of the team, he was invited along to a simple escort mission, which happened to go off markedly well, aside from a small problem, in the form of two wannabe gangsters, one with a knife, the other with a gun. The latter of the two items was a capgun, the former, a small, 2" pocketknife. You see, this was so incredibly pathetic, only the sixteen year old had to even do anything, or rather, could do anything, other than laugh. The young man then proceeded to bestow divine asskicking upon the two in the form of a rifle stock, a piece of a device which had been loaned to Lenka from the organization, seeing as he wasn't quite old enough to actually own a weapon yet.

If I could better understand what's going on, I'd probably say that sequence was entirely pointless.

I don't... wrote:Now, one year later, he's become quite a bit more experienced, having now dealt with his share of actual kills, real combat, and enemies who don't just linger around, waiting for their doom to drop from the sky like a four hundred pound pallet of whoopass onto a steel object. He now completes contracts on his own, quite liking a medium-long range sniping format, however finding himself effective in close quarters due to his small size and nimbleness.

Sitting bored in his apartment, one fine afternoon, he was extremely distraught. His internet was out, and there was nothing to do. His head laying on his desk, he could no longer bear this incredible boredom, desiring to see something break. With a slight sigh, he flicked at his water glass. Lo and behold, it arced across the room and shattered against the wall, due to his want to see something break, thoughts having drifted to throwing it, however, he didn't have to go quite that far. Confused, he attempted this several times with a foam block, as not to break anything else in the room for real, eventually figuring out if he wanted an object to go flying in a specific direction, he could do such a thing through contact. However, when he went to try moving his refrigerator with a poke, he found it did not move, only groaned slightly. So he made abstract guesses about the limits, fine-tuning them over time. Eventually, this was tried with his grenades, (In the deserts far from those who could watch, as this is not normal, he was careful to be sure none would observe) which he found he could direct reasonably accurately a fairly good distance. In light of that, he now, still lies bored in his apartment, looking for a new contract.

I really don't get people who just act like their characters adapt perfectly to a life of murder. This isn't addressed in personality and is totally glanced over in the history. We're just meant to assume he's totally fine with killing people just because.

Action Movie Cliches wrote:Off, to greater adventures, and more contracts!

Not like this. Not like this...

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Re: Lenka (Done)

Post by Almos Lorand on Tue Sep 16, 2014 7:26 pm

Been a while since I've done a proper review. Let's get right to it.

Name: A shota by any other name I hope there will be an explanation as to why he has no last name.

Age: This is a teenager. I give you credit he's legally an adult but he is most definitely a teenager. I expect a good reason for this.

Race: The "good kind" is one which is well thought out and properly balanced. My expectations are high.

Male: Very well then.

Organization: Okey dokey

Organization Rank: "Mercenary" is more of a profession than a rank but also mention he holds no official rank so good on ya, kid.

Appearance: Platinum blond/Green/Grey hair and red eyes...kawaii desu desu protagonist-chan. You mention he has short hair but that image you put up is rocking quite the long mop top. Consistency son, forge it into a sword. Curious why all of his gear is so old but there might be a reasonable explanation for that. I don't really expect some punk mercenary to be decked out in top of the line, military gear.

Personality: Okey dokey, here's where I've got to pump the breaks a bit.

1. "This young man prefers to keep himself polite at times, though most of the time he keeps a professional attitude, having a relatively deep voice for his size, learning the art of utilizing a commanding tone and getting orders across straight, and to the point from his father." Do me a favor and break up this awkward run on sentence.

2. "He's not quite as strict as to keep to the same routine as his father" This is an ineffective comparison because I don't have any idea how strict his father was. That's like me telling you I'm as strong as a kablooey. You have no clue what a kablooey is so the description is useless. Don't compare, just explain.

3. "He has no problem dealing with combat, though also has a taste for the finer things in life" Why would those two concepts be contradictory? Now if you had said he has no trouble in combat though he prefers to avoid it, the sentence would make sense because you're elaborating on a potentially contradictory trait. However, dealing with combat does not imply any preference (good or bad) towards the finer things in life.

4. You mention he's a very sociable person but the first few sentences make him seem overly professional and distant. This is where you should be throwing in the "though" from before in order to clarify.

5. My overall problem with this is that it just doesn't give me any deeper detail into how the guy behaves. Why does he do things? Why does he like what he likes? For that matter, what does he hate? What are his flaws? He's too shallow as is.

Equipment:
1. That's an awfully large amount of ammunition you're lugging around. Seems to me that you're overestimating your needs quite a bit.

2. The section is for "equipment" not just weaponry. Does he have a phone? A wallet? Nintendo DS? If he doesn't, that's your call but I don't want to see you busting satellite phones out of hammer space.

Abilities:
1. When you say he can talk his way out of situations, what do you mean? Is he persuasive? Is he a good liar? Can he read people? Precision, son. With it you can craft a shield against all critique.

2. He's good at pretending to be a promiscuous woman? He's good at seducing gay men? He's good at appearing weak? Clarity, son. Also, there are some underlying personality issues tied up there which should really be addressed in the personality section.

3. Was he born a mutant or was the foreign DNA inserted at his birth? Clarity, son.

4. He has hallucinations? Why was this not in the personality section?

5. I see people throw migraines around quite a bit as drawbacks. Do you appreciate how serious a migraine is? It's not just a headache. You're basically done with life until it passes. Sensitive to light and sound, constant throbbing, and significant pain. The only thing you want is to find a dark, quiet place to ride it out. I'm not saying migraines don't work as a drawback. What I am saying is play it fair or there will be...unfortunate consequences.

6. So this repulsion field...you claim that it automatically stops objects even if he doesn't see them coming...but it has a three post limit. Those descriptions contradict themselves. If it is a subconscious defense field (ala Gaara's sand in Naruto), then it is always active regardless of Lenka's awareness. To say that it has a three post limit implies that he has to activate it, at which point it lasts three posts. Is it automatic or not?

7. Make it 5 SP per upgrade.

Biography:
1. "As with any good, american dad, Lenka was taught at a young age the importance of firearms, and other weapons, in the defense of freedom." Hurray stereotypes!

2. "Having been home-schooled, and not having a fair deal of contact with children outside his extended family, he, like most children, saw only the glory of war." And yet he's very sociable, if not downright gifted at manipulating people and making friends? Consistency, son.

3. "As time went by, he became aware of the darker sides, however, by this point, how cool is it to be quite fit, and be able to go into other countries, complete assassinations, protect drug shipments, the like? Dayum, that's like the embodiment of freedom!" Why is he fit? We have no mention of him training beyond learning how to shoot a varmint gun. Are you implying that he's already working for the organization as a minor? Yeah...no. No no no.

4. "At the age of eightteen, his father finally approving of his ability to look after himself, and be mindful of those he worked with, ensuring the saftey of the team, he was invited along to a simple escort mission, which happened to go off markedly well, aside from a small problem, in the form of two wannabe gangsters, one with a knife, the other with a gun." Run on sentences again. Break it up. Also, now he's 18 and getting a job, making that last paragraph all the more confusing.

5. "only the sixteen year old had to even do anything"..."seeing as he wasn't quite old enough to actually own a weapon yet." Is he 18 or 16? He's not old enough to legally own a weapon but he can legally serve in a PMC overseas? Consistency, son.

6. The water glass bothers me. Here I thought your ability was simply redirecting the momentum of objects, essentially playing with your own gravitational field. Now you're rocking outright telekinesis. I hate telekinesis.

7. So he's waiting for a job through the PMC? But you implied earlier that he takes jobs his father won't (incidently EXPAND ON THAT IN THE PERSONALITY SECTION) so is he flying solo? I'm so confused. I don't like being confused.

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Re: Lenka (Done)

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